I have a machete and I am not afraid to use it!

Okay, I know this is going to sound stupid before I type it, but I feel the need to share so others don't repeat the mistakes I make.  Besides, if I can't hand out a few laughs at the same time, then what good am I?

So, yeah, let's get this over with.

I didn't know cucumbers climb.

Yes, I know they are vines, but not all vines are climbers  I mean, look at my pumpkin, for instance, could you see it trying the same stunt?  And, honestly, it's the fault of my grandparents.

I know Grandma is looking down at me from the hereafter saying, "Do what now?"  (Probably in Cajun.)

You see, anytime my grandparents grew cucumbers, which was pretty much every year, they just let them spread out on the ground.  So, this is what I thought you did with cucumbers.  (Then again, I was also a kid who was nearly convinced by my grandfather I was born from a pot of gumbo.)  When my cucumbers started their ground spreading, I figured all was right with the world.

Then, they started getting into my beans.  And, by "getting into my beans" I mean grabbing a hold of them with these freaky little tendrils as if they were out to strangle them one stem at a time.  I pointed out to a friend that I didn't understand why my cucumbers were a) trying to murder my beans and b) growing towards the house.

"They are looking for something to climb," she said.

"They're cucumbers," I said.

"Yes?"

"They don't climb," I said.

She looked at me as if I had suddenly sprouted frog legs out of the sides of my head.

I continued to live into denial until I walked into the sun room one day and saw this:

Caaandygram.

Yes, that is one of my cucumbers climbing the screen on the window.  Apparently, no longer happy devouring my beans, it's now after the house.  And, trust me, this isn't the only one I found.  I would go outside to get a better picture of the invasion, but the last time I walked outside while the sun was out, it took me an hour to peel my clothes off as they had all but permanently adhered to my body through sweat and the melting of unnatural fibers.

Of course, it could be that's why they are climbing the house.  It may not be some primal need to climb more than they are actually trying to come into the house to get out of the blast furnace that has become our summer.  I can't say that I blame them.

However, I will say:

KEEP A KNOCKIN' BUT YOU CAN'T COME IN!  KEEP A KNOCKIN' BUT YOU CAN'T COME IN!


*dances away*




____________________
Of course, it might be a bad idea to tease them like that seeing as how they have tried to grow under the sun room as well, which makes me think they're going after the A/C unit on the other side.  If they can't have A/C, no one can...