A vicious bout of depression kept me in bed until two today.
I did manage to get up and go to work, so that's at least something, but I am still very down.
After work, gauging the over all mood of the house to be chilly (don't ask), I went to check on my plant babies.
I will say this about gardening, it takes away that sense of self. That may sound strange and I know I've touched on it before, but it bears repeating. It helps you to realize that life isn't always about you. It helps you to remember that even in bad times there are little things that are just as important.
Like little leaves pushing through the soil.
It's kind of how I feel right now in a lot of ways. I feel like I've been buried in this depression, covered in suffocating mud. And, there are days I just want to breathe it in, let it choke me. Anything to get away from the excruciating pain of my marriage falling apart around me.
My heart has been shattered into pieces so small I'm not sure I'll ever be able to put it back together again.
Right now, the only things that keep me going are my family, my friends, and those tiny little leaves.
Maybe one day I'll learn from them and reach towards the sun.
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I know this isn't exactly the most pleasant post, but ignoring depression doesn't make it go away. I have good days and bad days. Eventually the good days will outnumber the bad days. I long for that time.
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